So, if you read my blog at all you know that I have been having a pretty tough year with some issues with my Mother.
The latest saga is that she contacted me by email last week to tell me to stop being mad and that she loves and misses me.
I really didn’t know how to respond to her. We went back and forth a little on the email, but never came to any resolution. Basically, I told her that she started this whole mess and needed to take some ownership in the whole train wreck. She never responded anymore after I said that.
I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Do I let her back into my life for however long she decides she wants to be in it? It has happened so many times before that she decides she wants to be in my life and then she tires of me and decides that she doesn’t want to be in my life – but somehow manages to make me feel like it is all my fault that something has gone wrong.
I have been told that forgiveness is for the person giving it. That forgiveness doesn’t mean that you approve or condone what has been done. That in order to ask forgiveness, you have to give forgiveness.
In all my life, this has been one of the biggest concepts that I have struggled with. And it’s not that I don’t forgive the little things. In fact, I have probably forgiven some pretty big things in my life that others would never be able to. But this is big to me. This tears me up inside. This eats at my very core.
I have internalized this rejection from my mother for most of my life. I always figured that it had something to do with who I am and what I had done. But as I grow older and wiser, I have started to figure out that it really isn’t me that she rejects, it’s something else entirely going on inside that head of hers.
She decided that I was growing tired of spending time with her. So her solution to what she decided I was feeling was to distance herself from me. Now she has decided that she misses me and that I should not be mad anymore for her decision to distance herself from me.
That is craziness! The whole statement above is craziness! No wonder I am so freaking confused.
My question is, do I allow the craziness back into my life? Do I say, “Well ok Mother, all is fine now.” Or do I try to bring rules and limits to the craziness? How do you not get hurt again and again and again with all the chaos?