On my drive back from Memphis yesterday, I had a lot of time to think. I thought about how this month could be an opportunity to spend some time regrouping, resetting, and spending time on reconstructing my life. My usual path while my son is away at his father’s is to go in to self-destruct mode. I drink more and eat more and lay around the house more.
Unfortunately, since we moved to TN, I seem to be in perpetual self-destruct mode. I have gained 30 pounds, yes 30, since we moved here. I was already overweight when we moved here and the added 30 pounds is not helping.
I realized today, after my sister said something to me, how badly I wanted and needed to hear what she said to me. We were having a venting session. You know, where you let off steam to each other so you can get all the things that are bothering you out and you can feel better.
When I told her that I stepped on the scale this morning and I had gained another 5 pounds, she was very upset with me. She said she had to take the kid gloves off and be totally honest with me. She said a lot of other stuff, but the words I needed to hear were these:
“I need you. I want you in my life. I can’t live my life without you in it.”
After I stewed and chewed on those words for the afternoon, I realized that I have given away my power to the people in my life who don’t need me, or want me in their life or can’t live with me in their lives. I keep throwing myself against their shut doors, begging them to let me in, pleading to let me be a part of their lives.
All the while, ignoring all of the people, like my sister, my dad, my kids, my friends, my customers, my pets who want and need me in their lives. These people are incredible people! I am so blessed to have them in my life. And the worst of all, I have been slowly methodically destroying myself because those other people didn’t want me. Again, all the while my sister, kids, dad, and friends watching me destroy myself slowly by eating too much.
I now reject all of those people in my life that have been rejecting me my whole life. I will no longer throw myself at you. I will no longer beg or plead for you to let me in.
I will stop living in the past. I will embrace the present and plan for my future. I will stop killing myself with food.
Instead of wasting my time and energy on those people that don’t want me in their lives, I need to focus and appreciate the people that do want me in their life. I need to let go of all the pain and rejection and embrace the loving people that surround me.
Maybe, by focusing on the good things in life and the positive people around me, I can finally love and appreciate my body and treat it well.