I am just in a bad mood today. It’s not really been a great week and I guess it has caught up to me. I just feel like screaming, crying, sleeping, eating, etc. etc. etc. All at once. I went to the store this morning with the intention of buying ice cream. Then I remembered my new philosophy on life – that I wasn’t going to destroy myself because of other people’s rejection; that I was going to live a better life for the people that want me in their lives. So instead, I bought some really pretty fabric to make a dress, some pretty flowers, and then I indulged myself a little bit with a donut and some chocolate chips.
I know that I am not a great looker. I am awkward, shy, stiff and according to my son who says his father told him that “I used to be alot of fun” – not much fun anymore. Yes, I am horrible with relationship stuff. I was with the father of my children for 14 years AND I haven’t been on a date since I left him. Except for recently. I actually went on a few dates with a very nice man. Apparently, though, he’s “not that into me”. Based on my experience, if someone doesn’t try to kiss you or get close to you or call you about plans when they said they would, they are not that into you. And in my convoluted way of thinking, it is kind of a relief because I am not good at any of that stuff anyway. Right now, in my state of mind, it is much easier for me to be alone and pursue the things I want in life than it is to try to live up to someone elses expectations. Which in my past experience, I never seem able to do.
It’s easier to raise my kids, work my job, take care of my dogs and start my business than it is trying to be in a relationship. But then, that makes me sad. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, even though it would be much less painful than a relationship gone bad. I am human, after all, and would like to have someone in my life that wanted me and what I have to offer.