I heard this song on my way into work this morning. For whatever reason, it really resonates with me. I am at yet another crossroads in my life. My kids are grown now and I need to figure out which direction I want my life to go in.
That is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
I finally have settled into a job that I love and actually have a little spending money to do some of the things that I have not been able to do in a long, long time. Both my kids are off doing their own things now, so decisions I make now don’t affect them all that much. I have not been in this position in over 26 years! Hence, the scary as hell part.
The path is wide open! What I don’t want to do is to hide away in my house and not do anything at all. But the many, many choices I have are overwhelming. I still love dogs and want to do something with them. I still love my motorcycle and want to travel on it. I still love camping and want to do more of that. I still love photography and want to do more of that. See what I mean? So many choices. I guess I can start out by doing a little bit of everything.
Have you been at this place in your life recently? What did you do? How did you choose?
Yep, today is one of those days. You know what I’m talking about. One of those days when you have been nice enough for long enough and you just want to throw things and say hateful things to people.
One of those days when you have kept silent for long enough when people say condescending and hurtful things to you. One of those days you want to say exactly what you mean, exactly what you are thinking, exactly how you feel.
One of those days when you are sick and tired of doing things for people who don’t appreciate what you do and complain about how you do those things for them.
One of those days when I just want to run off to the woods and live in a one room cabin by myself.
So, Daisy and I took the long way to Rifle this morning on our way to the vet. She was watching the horses, cows and sheep along the way. The scenery was beautiful. We got to the vet’s office on time. I dragged her out of the car, because she can’t get in or out without help. She pooped on the front yard and we went inside.
Once inside, they led us to a room and gave Daisy a blanket to lie down on. She finally got down on the floor and I sat beside her. The vet came in, one I have not dealt with before, and asked me if I was sure that I wanted to have Daisy put down. We discussed what was going on and what options we had tried. She felt that we had not tried everything yet because I don’t have her on pain meds. Medically, she didn’t feel it was a good idea. “She’s your dog. It’s your decision.” is what she said to me.
I explained that I could not watch her suffer, that she would not get any better. I had another dog that had arthritis and the pain meds didn’t help her all that much. And there is the diarrhea and neurological damage on top of that. She didn’t like it, but she sent her techs in to get Daisy set up.
They were trying to get the catheter into her back leg, but it kept getting pushed back out. After 3 tries on her back leg, they moved to her front leg. One more try there and I finally said to quit. Stop. Don’t do anything else to her. Just give me the pain meds and let me out of here.
The whole point was for her to go peacefully…minimal stress and no pain. I am crying like crazy, she is getting poked and prodded and the whole situation was far from peaceful and painless.
So I collected my dog, all the stupid pills they wanted me to have, paid them and loaded Daisy back up in the car. Less than a minute later she thanked me by pooping in my car. We drove home, cleaned up the car and cleaned her up. She is resting peacefully on the couch under her blanket.
Thanks Valley Vet for helping me get through a tough time. Now what the fuck am I to do?
Today I am making a very difficult decision regarding my Great Dane, Daisy. She has been suffering from recurring bouts of diarrhea, she has arthritis in her back that has spread to her neck and shoulders and in general, she feels awful. When she walks, you can hear her hips grinding in the sockets. And the arthritis has caused neurological damage so that she drags one of her back feet because the nerve function has been damaged. Now her front legs are experiencing damage too so she has this skippity-skip to her step that she doesn’t even realize is happening.
I didn’t come to this decision rashly or quickly. She has been deteriorating over the last 6 months to a year. She can barely get up off the couch on her own. Sometimes, she can’t and cries until I come to help her get up. Over this last weekend, she lay in her bed and pooped because she couldn’t get up to go outside, 3 times. When she does try to go outside, she can barely make it down the 2 stairs to get to the back yard. Sometimes when she is in the backyard trying to poop or pee, she falls down because she doesn’t have the strength to hold herself up anymore.
I have watched this incredible being go from starving, to regal and majestic, to weak and frail. It hurts me to my very soul to watch her struggle to get up or lay down. It hurts me to my soul when she looks at me with those big droopy brown eyes with sorrow because she pooped on the floor again and has been laying in it because she can’t get herself up. It hurts me to my soul to clean her legs and bottom up because she can’t.
I realize that there are medications and therapies and treatments I could use for her. Believe me, I know what options are out there. The thing is, where is her quality of life? Sure she can live another year, doped up, sore, and trying to make it through. But, why? She is not going to ever get over it or get better, she will only get worse and suffer more. She is 9 years old…and for a Dane, that’s not bad. Sure I wish she could be one of those exceptions that makes it to 11 or 12 years old…but not at her expense.
I love her enough to not want her to suffer any longer. I have come to terms with my decision.
This year has been so much better than last year. I have been working at High Tails Dog & Cat Outfitters since February and I could not imagine that I would be so satisfied at a job. I get to work with dogs in the doggie day care, in the grooming area, and I get to offer training services as well. When I get bored….I get to go play with the dogs. Does it really ever get any better than this? I think not!! I also get to take care of the bookkeeping and the social media campaigns. So when I am not playing with dogs, bookkeeping or interacting on the social webs…I get to read books and learn more about dogs.
Again, does it get any better than this?!!!! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!!!!
I guess I had to go through all that hell last year to figure out where my heaven is. I had to relax and realize that my true calling is with dogs and not sitting at an office desk with a fancy title and work clothes. I love coming home exhausted and dirty!
Follow your heart and soul. Forget about what society has told you is the appropriate thing for you to do. Do what makes your heart sing.
Never wear a slip where the elastic has dried out!
O.M.G. The other day I was wearing a skirt with an old slip underneath. I had been having to mess with it most of the morning, but really didn’t give it a whole lot of thought.
So, I am walking through Target on my lunchbreak when something catches my eye. I look down and much to my chagrin…my slip was down around my ankles!! Well, being fairly adept at humiliation and embarrassment, I just stepped out of the slip, picked it up, and stuffed it in my purse. I just kept on walking like nothing happened.
I have no idea if anyone saw my little mis-hap or not, but I did have to chuckle at myself.
Do things like this ever happen to you? Tell me your stories!!
It’s been a long time (or at least it feels like it to me) since I haven’t had to rush out the door to go somewhere else. It is taking some getting used to again.
I must say, my house looks spectacular! It is clean. It is organized again.
It is closing in on me…Argh!!! It was really bad before my son came back home from his visit to Texas and my daughter moved back in with us. It was just me and the dogs bouncing off the walls here. And it’s only been 3 weeks???!!!!
Somehow I am keeping it together. I think because I truly enjoy being at home, making my home a better place, cooking and cleaning for my family. I wish I could just do this every day and someone else could worry about the bills, but we all know that isn’t going to happen.
So… what have I been doing, you ask? I made garbage disposal cleaner, biscuit mix and laundry detergent. I washed the windows. I cleaned and reconditioned a leather couch. I moved all the stuff out of the extra bedroom and distributed it all around the house so my daughter could move back in. I got the computers up and running again. Made business cards and flyers. Every morning I sit down and comb through the job ads and send off my resume and follow-up with the companies. I clean and I cook and I nap and I read and I…….
My dogs are super happy that I am around all the time now. Each time I leave, I come home to find another pair of shoes destroyed – yea yea I know, I am supposed to be a dog trainer I should know how to fix that. It’s my fault for leaving the shoes out in the first place, especially when I know that one little Chihuahua is prone to anxiety chewing.
Oh. I just made this delicious looking pizza for….. nobody. I told my son and his friend I was going to make a pizza – they left and went to Subway.
Ah…life…why do you do me this way??!!
Anyone else having a day like this today?